The [worst] Blog of the Year

Dear Yahoo.com--

Thank you for being my homepage and retrieving my e.mails for me. You randomly assign the 'junk' title to whatever sender you please, and always have a heartwarming or !!BREAKING NEWS!! story that was brought to the light 3 days prior.

-Zach.

My favorite part about the homepage with (alleged) news stories is the amount of sports blogs that are cited frequently. Don't get me wrong, every once and a while, there is something that is mildly to moderately interesting (i.e. the 'Silent Night' game), and once in a blue moon, there is something that is (and I hope you get the tongue-in-cheek point I'm about to make) THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER (i.e. the story about Mark Titus, who is now one of my favorite people (www.clubtrillion.com)).

HOWEVER. For the other 95% of the time, I'm stuck being drawn in to something that 'a blogger' (whomever that may be) calls 'the worst' or 'best' thing of the year. I understand that one person may believe that this or that is the best or worst thing of the year and that publishing a headline like 'Blake Griffin's dunk last night was alright' doesn't exactly draw the traffic, but let's be a little bit more honest and try to come up with some new words.

Since this probalistically isn't going to make it to Yahoo (I actually hope it does now), I'm going to start making posts of the best and worst things I can think of, also in hopes that my hyperbolous and outlandish statements will one day grace the front page of Yahoo, if only for a second.

The best direct statement of the year: "Hey. I like your beard." Not from Ke$ha, but from a girl in a bar who actually liked my beard. Mind you, this was before Ke$ha was even on the map. In retrospect, I should have pursued conversation with this girl. She very well may have been Ke$ha herself, and that line in that song may very well have sprung from that night. Yea. That's my story.

Check back another time (when Michigan will still suck) for more bests and worsts according to an over-opinionated blogger (yes, I know that was redundant).

The 'F*ck You' Remix,
[z]ach

Zach Manuel's Hair Has a Blog

And not a minute too soon.
Tell all your friends.


One Love/People Get Ready,
[z]ach

I Guess

I AM:

Disappointed.
Disenfranchised.
Disinterested.
Disenchanted.
Disconcerted.
Disoriented.
Disgusted.

This must be dystopia. Get me out of here.



What am I Doing Here?
[z]ach

I'm Still [here]

Joaquin Phoenix deserves a real life Oscar. As I sit here, I struggle with coming up with words that can describe how much of a genius this man really is. He (and Casey Affleck of course) just flawlessly executed a social experiment, and you (indirect and plural, not necessarily you individually because I know that you are so far above this) fell for it like George Bush falls for fake doors.

I wonder if other places in this universe are as distracted and detached from reality as much as we are in America. Mr. Phoenix's actions show that we will divert all of our attention to a dude who may or may not have gone off the deep end. And for what reason? AT LEAST 99% of the people in this world are completely unaffected by Joaquin's day to day decisions, so what's the obsession? Nevermind that we're fighting unjust wars. Nevermind that the economy is doing its best London Bridge impression. Nevermind that today's kids are well on their way to set society backwards. As long as we have something to talk about with our friends that doesn't have any actual substance or relevance to our own real life daily lives, we're gonna be just fine. Right.

I'd be lying if I said that I've been ignoring all of the distractions. I find them very entertaining. All I'm saying is that a lot of people have their heads in the wrong place. The entertainment and distractions that have typically given a break from the harsh reality of everyday life have now become the main focus. To me, it sounds like the Roman Empire . . . with TMZ.

Whatever.



Live Your Life,
[z]ach

UPDATE.

I'm not dead.
(and Michigan still sucks)


In the Cut,
[z]ach

[insert vuvuzela noise here. LOUDLY]

The World Cup is the coolest thing to happen to the sporting world since the creation of the sphere.

But I digress. You know how you won't shutup about 'those super annoying horns that they play constantly' during the World Cup? Please mask your intolerance and ignorance of other cultures in a slightly more discreet manner next time, thank you. I know we live in a culture that is based around complaining (I mean come on, this is a blog, of course I'm complaining, too), but think about that for the next day or two. In all your interactions in one day, try to count the number of complaints that you hear from friends, family members, co-workers, talking heads (on TV, not the band), or accidentially (yea, right) overhear in other people's conversations. I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that it is an excessive amount.

Back to the point.

Yes, I also understand that you are new to the beautiful game of soccer and need to hear the announcers explain what is going on loud and clear, so pressing the mute button becomes a very difficult task. But do you think you could just TRY and appreciate a foreign culture? South Africa is not the USA. Not even close. For one, it's winter there (which is why everyone on the benches is wearing huge jackets and looks like they're freezing) which, I know, is hard to imagine. I feel like it was just yesterday, I was complaining about how the 20 below windchill was making my lips feel all dry. But that's only a geographical difference. How about the fact that the country was run by one of the most corrupt governments in the history of the world (see: apartheid) until 1994? It's worlds away from the place that we Americans live.

The vuvuzelas are just part of their culture. It's the way they cheer at soccer games. Why does everyone seem to be on this (watch this slightly word-altering pun) banwagon (get it? cause they want to ban the horns?) to prohibit, or at least limit, the usage of the horns? It's absolutely appalling that this sense of ethnocentrism is okay with so many people. I feel like banning the vuvuzelas from soccer stadiums in South Africa is like me walking into someone else's house and asking them to take down pictures and decorations because I find them bothersome. Tell me that's not messed up.

I bet there are other cultures in the world that find it strange, annoying, and stupid that they play organs and music and chant stupid things at baseball and football games in America (I also bet that other cultures in the world find it strange, annoying, and stupid that the sports of baseball and football even exist), but when they play here or watch the games on TV, they don't try to get the noises outlawed.

Soccer is the world's game, and I hate to break it to you, but most of the world is outside the US. Deal with it. If you can't, the game of soccer doesn't want you anyway. Go back to your game that encourages eating, drug use, and rotting your teeth while you stand around and take a swing at a ball every now and again. And maybe jog a few yards if you get lucky. There are reasons the rest of the world hates us.

Lose Yourself,

[z]ach

[s]watch This

Given the reactions I've received from showing a few people this commercial that I made for class, I figured it'd be a good idea to post it and make it even more readily viewable. I can only hope that it gets as many views as 'David After Dentist' (I think it goes without saying, which leads me to believe I must say it- This is merely a video that I made for a class, it does not represent the views of anyone at Swatch (unless they want it to). Also, don't try to visit the link at the end. It's also not real. Maybe someday.)

Enjoy.

On another note, feel free to check out my portfolio @ www.wix.com/zmanl2233/portfolio1, and see the work that I've actually done in college. Also feel free to not visit at all and just continue living your life.

Strawberry Fields Forever,

[z]ach

Get Some [ink]

Coming on the heels of making the drastic revelation that Deshawn Stevenson is one of the coolest dudes in the world (see below), I figured I'd mock up my own tattoo, inspired by him. Granted, I'm probably going to at least have to add a face tat, grow my beard for 3 more years straight, and break into the League soon to have the same credibility, but at that point, I'll just be seen as an imitator. So realistically, I'll probably never get a face tat, I will maintain my facial hair based on various whims that I get when the breeze blows southward, and continue to play ball at my current level (which means I definitely won't be breaking into the League any time soon). His 505 area code got nothin' on the 16001 zip code.

(reader's note: the presidents depicted in my tattoo are not my 2 favorite presidents. Well, at least one of them isn't.)

My Name is Jonas,

[z]ach

Join the Team

Oh I Think They Like Me,

[z]ach

Tatted [thumbs]Up[and down]

I've been considering getting a tattoo for a while now, but I'm still deciding on what to get. There are a lot of cliche tattoos out there that I'm not even going to recognize. I'm sure they have a deep meaning with the person, but they're not overly original. The tats that I like most are either very original and clever or absolutely the worst ones ever. Professional athletes have some of the most ink, and since I really like sports, seeing their tattoos is really cool. Here are some that I've found. Good and bad.

Original and interesting: Kenyon Martin's wife's lips on his neck.

Bad: DeShawn Stevenson's face tat. Not only do I think he did it himself, it's the second most disgraceful and disrespectful usage of the Pirates logo (in case you're wondering, the MOST disgraceful use of the Pirates logo: any time the Pirates are playing a game and sporting it)

Worse: But that's not it! While looking for the face tat, I came across another. Mind you, this is on the same person.

Actually. Now that I think about it, I can't really call these bad and worse. I can honestly say I dig the man's creativity and thought in his tattoos. Even if he did one on his face on his own, I can respect that. I may even consider him a hero of mine. He and I clearly have many of the same interests: basketball, the city of Pittsburgh, tattoos, beards, Honest Abe, and area codes. I hope someday I get to meet this interesting man.

And in that light, I'll leave you with a truly [gawd]awful (pun absolutely intended) one. Nothing more need be said.

Until the Lion Learns to Speak,

[z]ach

Introducing: G Dub

Up next is G Dub on the mic.

Get it George.

Arright. Yo. Yo. Yo.

The name's Washington

But you can just call me George

And we came to battle

Like Valley Forge

Yeah. We reppin' VA.

Got Pharrell on the beat

Horse teeth in my mouth,

But still spittin' mad heat

Got my face on the bills

Givin' Brittish the chills

Makin you uneasy

With these superstar skillz

Young Buck told me

16 bars is all I need

But don't 'Beg for Mercy'

I want you to plead.

Thanks George.

Poppin Them Thangs,

[z]ach

A Love Letter...

Dear AT&T:

Roses are red

Violets are blue

And your commercials suck.

Please stop.

Hugs and Kisses,

[z]ach

This is a Bl(fr)og

He says: Ribbit. rrrrRibbit. Ribbitt tt. rrrRibrrribbit. ttrrRibbitit.

Translation: Those Super Bowl commercials really did suck. FLY! *slurp* Lilly pads rock. If I were a human, I'd wear my pants on the ground, I don't see why that guy has such an issue with it, but I'm a frog. Why am I even wasting my time on this blog? Thanks for the promotion [z], but I don't really have anything to promote. I'm a frog.

Don't Need No Doctor,

[z]ach

That Really Big Football Game

Just as millions of critics across the country (some slightly more qualified than others) are surely breaking down Super Bowl ads today, I figured I'd jump on that bandwagon. But I'll keep it short and simple.

I was disappointed.

In today's culture, everything is about money, and because Doritos and Bud Light have millions of dollars just laying around, they can afford to buy 5 or 10 spots and produce extremely strange and mediocre ads. I mean really Bud Light? "Here We Go" is the best slogan you can come up with? Usually Bud Light has at least one good commercial that I can say that I enjoyed, but this year's batch really fell flat on its face. And Doritos? Nevermind, I don't want to waste brain cells even thinking about it.

And just because something works one time doesn't mean that it gives you a pass to just keep with that same exact concept until the cows come home. If you don't think so, try watching all of the Bring it On or Cruel Intentions movies. Come up with something else. I'm speaking mostly about e*trade, Denny's, Hyundai, TeleFlora, and that really stupid one with all of the chicks (and yes, I did just slam talking babies, free breakfast, and a sincere car commercial all in one sentence). It's just getting a little old.

I have a soft spot for classic ads from back in the day that get remade. I don't recall any from during the game, but I saw this one before the game, and I knew it was going to be my favorite. Sure it's a little exaggerated, but if you've seen the original, then it's probably okay with you.

Oh yea, and the game was pretty good, too.

Kick, Push,

[z]ach

[z]moneylabels

I am the [z]moneylabels fashion line.

I have swag.

I am blessed.

I want to get higher.

I want you to hear me yell across the valley and hear me claim my voice.

Crying Lightning,

[z]ach

Track_01.blog

I've always been a fan of parody ads and logos. This is one of mine.





That's it for now. There's no need for everything in my head and on my computer to all come spilling out on the first post. That would get messy.

But while you're (still) reading this, let me just say, however you came across this blog, I hope you will continue to return to it. I'll try to make it worth your while, whether you're procrastinating, or you're bored, or you're actually interested, or you're my teacher who told me to do this, or you want to laugh, or you want to cry, or you want to tell me how unclever and uncreative I am, or you're a really cute girl and you want my number, or any other possible reason that you can come up with. But seriuosly, thanks for reading.



Throw Some D's,
[z]ach