[chap]Stick It!

In following through with what I said I would do in my last blog (cause I know you read it), I've come across the WORLD'S BEST JOB!!!!! (it would be much less sarcastic and dramatic if there were only 4 exclamation points)

In another prior post, I mentioned a few of my passions (tattoos, area codes, dead presidents, etc.), but it turns out I may have missed one or two (or more depending on my mood and things that are present in the room I'm in). One of said passions is lip balm. Ever since the ripe age of 3 when I first remember my mother slathering some vasaline onto my excessively chapped lips, I have been fascinated with lip balm. After putting up with the same, bland, waxy, cherry flavored ChapStick brand for 10 years (because that was what my mom used, and let's be honest, for those years of my life, I only knew the stuff that my mom used because mom always knows best. At least that's what she told me. And I believed her. For some reason or another. But I digress), I began to aquire a taste for something else. After going through phases of stealing the crazy flavor balms (i.e. Dr. Pepper, Starburst, etc.) from the girls I liked in junior high and then consequently feeling self-conscious because I was using girls' lip balm, I moved into a denial phase where I would rarely use any balm. And my lips would get chapped, and I would be miserable.

But then one day, I was made aware of Burt's Beeswax, so I tried it, and I haven't used anything else since then.

I just had to get all of that out so that I could explain why the following would be *pause for effect* the world's best job. While watching the pregame rituals of the New York Knicks, I noticed one guy on the sideline who had one jobe: to make sure that Amar'e Stoudemire had lip balm on his lips prior to the jump ball. How awesome is that? There is a guy out there whose job it is to carry around Carmex and hold it for one of the most intense players in the NBA.

Good Lord, I hope every player has a personal assistant like this. I'm going to go make friends with Adam Morrison so I can brush the lint off of his suits while he sits on the bench and make sure he has an adequate supply of Colgate toothpaste...

On second thought, no I'm not.

The Hardest Button to Button,
[z]ach

The [worst] Blog of the Year

Dear Yahoo.com--

Thank you for being my homepage and retrieving my e.mails for me. You randomly assign the 'junk' title to whatever sender you please, and always have a heartwarming or !!BREAKING NEWS!! story that was brought to the light 3 days prior.

-Zach.

My favorite part about the homepage with (alleged) news stories is the amount of sports blogs that are cited frequently. Don't get me wrong, every once and a while, there is something that is mildly to moderately interesting (i.e. the 'Silent Night' game), and once in a blue moon, there is something that is (and I hope you get the tongue-in-cheek point I'm about to make) THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER (i.e. the story about Mark Titus, who is now one of my favorite people (www.clubtrillion.com)).

HOWEVER. For the other 95% of the time, I'm stuck being drawn in to something that 'a blogger' (whomever that may be) calls 'the worst' or 'best' thing of the year. I understand that one person may believe that this or that is the best or worst thing of the year and that publishing a headline like 'Blake Griffin's dunk last night was alright' doesn't exactly draw the traffic, but let's be a little bit more honest and try to come up with some new words.

Since this probalistically isn't going to make it to Yahoo (I actually hope it does now), I'm going to start making posts of the best and worst things I can think of, also in hopes that my hyperbolous and outlandish statements will one day grace the front page of Yahoo, if only for a second.

The best direct statement of the year: "Hey. I like your beard." Not from Ke$ha, but from a girl in a bar who actually liked my beard. Mind you, this was before Ke$ha was even on the map. In retrospect, I should have pursued conversation with this girl. She very well may have been Ke$ha herself, and that line in that song may very well have sprung from that night. Yea. That's my story.

Check back another time (when Michigan will still suck) for more bests and worsts according to an over-opinionated blogger (yes, I know that was redundant).

The 'F*ck You' Remix,
[z]ach

Zach Manuel's Hair Has a Blog

And not a minute too soon.
Tell all your friends.


One Love/People Get Ready,
[z]ach

I Guess

I AM:

Disappointed.
Disenfranchised.
Disinterested.
Disenchanted.
Disconcerted.
Disoriented.
Disgusted.

This must be dystopia. Get me out of here.



What am I Doing Here?
[z]ach

I'm Still [here]

Joaquin Phoenix deserves a real life Oscar. As I sit here, I struggle with coming up with words that can describe how much of a genius this man really is. He (and Casey Affleck of course) just flawlessly executed a social experiment, and you (indirect and plural, not necessarily you individually because I know that you are so far above this) fell for it like George Bush falls for fake doors.

I wonder if other places in this universe are as distracted and detached from reality as much as we are in America. Mr. Phoenix's actions show that we will divert all of our attention to a dude who may or may not have gone off the deep end. And for what reason? AT LEAST 99% of the people in this world are completely unaffected by Joaquin's day to day decisions, so what's the obsession? Nevermind that we're fighting unjust wars. Nevermind that the economy is doing its best London Bridge impression. Nevermind that today's kids are well on their way to set society backwards. As long as we have something to talk about with our friends that doesn't have any actual substance or relevance to our own real life daily lives, we're gonna be just fine. Right.

I'd be lying if I said that I've been ignoring all of the distractions. I find them very entertaining. All I'm saying is that a lot of people have their heads in the wrong place. The entertainment and distractions that have typically given a break from the harsh reality of everyday life have now become the main focus. To me, it sounds like the Roman Empire . . . with TMZ.

Whatever.



Live Your Life,
[z]ach

UPDATE.

I'm not dead.
(and Michigan still sucks)


In the Cut,
[z]ach

[insert vuvuzela noise here. LOUDLY]

The World Cup is the coolest thing to happen to the sporting world since the creation of the sphere.

But I digress. You know how you won't shutup about 'those super annoying horns that they play constantly' during the World Cup? Please mask your intolerance and ignorance of other cultures in a slightly more discreet manner next time, thank you. I know we live in a culture that is based around complaining (I mean come on, this is a blog, of course I'm complaining, too), but think about that for the next day or two. In all your interactions in one day, try to count the number of complaints that you hear from friends, family members, co-workers, talking heads (on TV, not the band), or accidentially (yea, right) overhear in other people's conversations. I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that it is an excessive amount.

Back to the point.

Yes, I also understand that you are new to the beautiful game of soccer and need to hear the announcers explain what is going on loud and clear, so pressing the mute button becomes a very difficult task. But do you think you could just TRY and appreciate a foreign culture? South Africa is not the USA. Not even close. For one, it's winter there (which is why everyone on the benches is wearing huge jackets and looks like they're freezing) which, I know, is hard to imagine. I feel like it was just yesterday, I was complaining about how the 20 below windchill was making my lips feel all dry. But that's only a geographical difference. How about the fact that the country was run by one of the most corrupt governments in the history of the world (see: apartheid) until 1994? It's worlds away from the place that we Americans live.

The vuvuzelas are just part of their culture. It's the way they cheer at soccer games. Why does everyone seem to be on this (watch this slightly word-altering pun) banwagon (get it? cause they want to ban the horns?) to prohibit, or at least limit, the usage of the horns? It's absolutely appalling that this sense of ethnocentrism is okay with so many people. I feel like banning the vuvuzelas from soccer stadiums in South Africa is like me walking into someone else's house and asking them to take down pictures and decorations because I find them bothersome. Tell me that's not messed up.

I bet there are other cultures in the world that find it strange, annoying, and stupid that they play organs and music and chant stupid things at baseball and football games in America (I also bet that other cultures in the world find it strange, annoying, and stupid that the sports of baseball and football even exist), but when they play here or watch the games on TV, they don't try to get the noises outlawed.

Soccer is the world's game, and I hate to break it to you, but most of the world is outside the US. Deal with it. If you can't, the game of soccer doesn't want you anyway. Go back to your game that encourages eating, drug use, and rotting your teeth while you stand around and take a swing at a ball every now and again. And maybe jog a few yards if you get lucky. There are reasons the rest of the world hates us.

Lose Yourself,

[z]ach